Let’s just say there’s a really stupid car chase scene that goes on forever in the middle of Jack Reacher and I felt like doing something else so I’m writing about a cake I made in my rice cooker. “Why the eff would you make a cake in your effing rice cooker?” You’re probably wondering that. Well my history with rice is a really dysfunctional one. First off, I don’t really like rice. I like the twiggy kind, that looks like forest detritus. Second, I have never made a decent bowl of rice in my life. I’m cursed. Every time I make rice, it comes out shitty. Burned on the bottom, raw, soupy, sticky, stupid. So Matt got a really snazzy rice cooker to help cure my rice woes. For some reason, my curse carried over and I’m still incapable of making the rice work out. BUT I’ve recently discovered that you can use your snazzy rice cooker for all sorts of other things. Namely, cake. Cake is my jam. First, I made a super rockin’ enormous pancake and fed it to my kids. Then, I made another one. And THEN I got serious and made a coconut flour lemon olive oil cake and shit got real. So, this is the first installment of the ongoing research that will ultimately become a handbook for those afflicted with Rice Curse.
Lemon Olive Oil Coconut Cake
First: Get a rice cooker. Preferably the one that plays twinkle twinkle little star and has an elephant or something and a big pink button and a setting for PORRIDGE. That’s the one I have and I can’t vouch for your rice cooker if it’s not that one.
*This recipe is gluten/nut/dairy free & paleo
3 tbs Coconut Flour
1 tbs Tapioca Powder
1 tbs lemon olive oil
2 tbs Honey
1 cup Almond Milk
couple dashes of lemon salt
Everybody into the pool. Stir it up with a wooden fork, or whatever you have that won’t scrape your nonstick rice bowl. Make sure everything is incorporated into one fully inclusive goo. Set the timer for PORRIDGE, hit start, and go watch an episode of Rizzoli & Isles.
When your rice cooker plays a jaunty song at the end, your cake is dunzo. Flip the bowl over a plate, decorate the top with some fruit/coconut cream frosting/whipped cream/icing/cheese/ice cream/more cake and get ready to freak people out.
And here’s a bonus review of Jack Reacher: Don’t ever watch it. Just don’t. If I could have stopped Tom Cruise halfway through the movie and just wound my leg up like a tire swing, and then kicked him square in his manhood, I would have done it. And Tom Cruise, you silly scientologist, you’re an o.g. babe, you don’t have to prove anything to me. Also, I was really chagrined to see that you now have old man abs like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I guess everybody really does poop. Eventually.
Just kidding, I only know of three ways to use cucamelons so far. They’re tiny little watermelon looking jobbies that taste like cucumbers. I’d seen them meme-ing around the internet once or twice, but I’d never actually met one until a recent visit to Driver’s Market in Sausalito.
Enchanté little melons, are you going to the fair in a tiny truck? Do tiny hedgehogs bring you to the beach on hot summer days? Can I pickle you?
I didn’t go to Driver’s Market on purpose, I was looking for the Farmer’s Market on 4th of July weekend and it wasn’t there. We drove around Sausalito looking for food and just happened upon the market by accident. Right from the second I walked in the door, a sort of divine and holy feeling washed over me, and no I hadn’t been drinking. Or maybe I had, I don’t remember. It was like a delicious museum full of finely curated foods and oh, the sauerkrauts! Anyway, the first thing I found were these watermelon gherkins from Suzie’s Farm in the produce section. And then I found some quinoa greens. This produce was next level—dare I say, realer than real-deal Holyfield.
The skin on the outside of the melocumber/cucamelon is a little tougher than a regular cucumber, but would make an excellent pickle I think. They taste like cucumber with a sort of soury lime punch. Super chompable.
#1 Gin and Tonic. Muddle those delicious babies at the bottom of your glass first. 3 parts tonic, 1 part gin, over ice, shake shake shake, pour into your mouth.
#2 Salad. I sliced them in half and tossed them in with the washed quinoa greens (spinachy but more delicious) and some strawberries, lemon salt, pink pepper, lemon olive oil, and pomegranate vinegar. Even an 8 year old ate the salad.
#3 Pickles. Ok technically I haven’t made the pickles yet. But imagine how cute they’ll be! I’m going to call them Cornichonermelons and I’m going to give them to all my friends for the holidays!*
*No I won’t, I’ll probably just eat them like a selfish little hoggle so nobody get their hopes up.Comments